CONTENTS
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION: WHY AM I WRITING THIS BLOG?
And why is it called Two Faced Kate?
I had a math teacher back in high school who, regardless of whether I got the answer correct on a complicated math problem, would deduct points if I did not show my work. I used to hate this as I had somewhat of a math “gift” coupled with very low patience and if I knew the answer, I just wanted to write it down and move on. The value in her process and scoring was that, if I got the answer incorrect, she would award partial points if I made a mistake somewhere in a single part of the equation but would have possibly gotten it correct if not for a small error. In her mind, I was at least demonstrating learning of the various components of the journey to the solution - my eraser smudge marks here and there or scribbles when I foolishly used a pen were the key indicators that I was not simply answering, but applying key skills to do so.
Looking back on this - it’s a perfect analogy to how I think I am living my life in the public’s eye on social media - only showing the final answer and not always “showing my work.” At times, when people make positive comments about me and my life, I feel a bit two-faced…Not in the dictionary definition sense of being insincere or deceitful, because I am pretty damn honest - sometimes too much so - and I never try to deceive anyone. I mean it in a semi-sarcastic way or play on words, which is far more my style and defense mechanism. I have two very different sides; one is kept hidden from most people unless you have the terrible role of picking up the pieces when I crash down in flames.
A dear friend who read my pre-published intro blog has been one of those people to me. She wrote back and said, “Anyone who has gotten anywhere in life, career, fitness, fame etc has had to overcome challenges and will continue to have to overcome challenges as they continue to set the bar higher for themselves. That’s the thing with successful people, they always strive for more – to be more healthy – to live more fully and deeply – to give more – to appreciate more. It’s possible that if someone reads your story it will help them believe they can achieve greatness. The focus would have to be on what you continuously said to yourself to push yourself forward.”
This hit home with me SO damn hard as I had literally just come from seeing a motivational speaker in Wellington, New Zealand named John Maclean. He’s a world famous athlete known most for being the first to complete the Kona Iron Man and to swim the English Channel. I should add that this was after being hit by a truck and losing the use of his legs, seemingly for the rest of his life. To check out his foundation, please click here. Why this back story is important is because I stood up with the mic after his talk to the 130+ PwC Partners and asked, “You mention quite a bit that you got through tough times in your competitions, races, and life in general because of something incredibly profound or motivational or compelling that someone else said TO you in the moment you were about to quit. How did you proceed when there wasn’t someone in your ear? What was your "self talk" that got you through?”
A few days after this incredibly emotional and thought provoking conference, I sunk deep within myself wondering why I asked that question and it dawned on me (DUH) that I am 100% alone where I am right now - new job, new country, new friends, new food, new gym, new trainer, new exercises, new sleep patterns, new stresses…. Nothing at all is familiar and I have nobody following me around to motivate me in my ear. Nobody but ME. (Excluding my remote family, friends, and coaches, of course). So, as the stress piled up, I had a little bit of a breakdown at work. You should know, it’s rare for me to break down, and especially rare at work. I don’t cry much in public and I especially don’t cry about my job - it’s JUST work. Yes, it’s my career which I love, but as I have very stoically said in the past when people get too emotional for me about work stuff, it’s a “work place, not a feelings place…” (FYI, that’s supposed to be funny, but it occasionally pisses people off when they are crying on my shoulder.)
To be fair, as a kid, I was taught very sternly and explicitly by my Stepdad to hide my emotions - that kind of “stop crying or I will give you something to cry about” type of upbringing. Even in moments where I was just beamed in the shin by a line drive to second base by a male batter, I was told to stop crying and “walk it off.” #toughlove
As I have been dumped into this new life, it apparently is a turning point in the New Zealand culture as well as a turning point for me, one filled with messages from all corners about being more vulnerable, having the “green light to speak”, being implored to be honest about depression and struggle. It’s coming from work, it’s coming from friends, from family, from TV shows and movies, from clients, and all unrelated, delivered in different formats and platforms from TV, TedTalks, YouTube, guest speakers, etc.
So, I got to thinking - maybe this is what everyone wants - for me to be vulnerable and “show my work.” Maybe it would be good for me - much as I wanted to know from John - that a life that seems from the outside looking in as a perfect looking life - has stress, conflict, hard work, turmoil, sadness, depression, loneliness, hurdles and frustration, just like everyone else. They say misery loves company and we do prefer to see the whole story from beginning to end with the conflicts in the middle, the Rocky-style montage of hard work and effort, losses and sadness to fight hard to “earn” the happy ending. I have been wrestling with it in a time of deep loneliness, telling everyone how unbelievably happy I am and how I have finally found my home. Here I am in New Zealand where I literally know nobody, took a new job, got a new apartment, have no car, no dogs, have to make new friends and try not to get fat, sick, and lazy in the process. People who care about me do genuinely want to know I am OK, probably picturing that I am still that “bouncing off the walls class clown” who is always in a good mood accomplishing some new crazy things all over the planet.
To further solidify this view, earlier this week, after a dreadful parallel parking experience (which is nothing major of course), I was texting with one of my favourite people in the world and said as a joke,
"Any time I feel like I have shit figured out and need a lesson in humility, I simply need to try to parallel park on the left side of the road from the right side of the car. Haha.I fucking suck 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️"
He replied... "So you probably need to do that once an hour, huh?"
Though this was a very clever reply and only in jest, it became clear to me (with all of the other messages I have been getting from friends and the universe) that I focus on sharing my successes and very rarely what it took for me to get to that moment which I gladly share on Instagram and Facebook. I am not a big fan of social media being used to elicit sympathy, so that IS NOT what this blog is for. Similar to me sharing what I personally define as my success, I only want to try to use this blog to motivate others, as my purpose since a very young age in life has always seemed to be to cheer on other people or make them feel better so I could feel happy for them. I DO NOT have shit figured out and my life is a series of eraser smudges and scribble marks, but since very few people know my inner dialogue or many who met me later in life have no idea what my younger days were like… I think maybe it’s just assumed I have always been a happy, confident person who takes life by the horns and plows through struggles with a vengeance.
There are a few ways everyone can see the same story... I am truly a super positive, career motivated person who can move literally anywhere on this planet with little planning and disruption and extreme bravery and courage to take risks. But I have days where I think I have so little to show for my life - no stuff (except I definitely have too much stuff), no kids (yeah OK with that when I hear babies cry on airplanes), no partner, no dogs - that I feel completely alone and constant seek whatever it is many of my friends who say they live vicariously through me already have found…
I do eat super healthy and exercise all of the time and post pictures of my progress and fit physique but it’s a. Because I am the one who got fat in the first place and keeps getting fat again so I have no shortage of before photos to use, and b. because I endured 30+ years of being teased rejected, picked on and tormented for being fat and undateable and now I can’t beat the men back fast enough… #shesaidhumbly
I DO meet the coolest people - sometimes out of luck or by exuding confidence or by being friendly, but all I really want is for people to feel seen and appreciated for simply being when I sometimes feel the only way to be noticed is by overachieving and making others the center of my attention, doing things for them, and buying them stuff. What stories really resonate with you? If I tell you a few things I said to myself or a few things I did along each journey, or shared a few profound things that people said to me - would that help? Well, if so, you are in luck that you have found this blog. I want to share my many seemingly crazy stories with you that pretty much all have a happy ending (not the kind post massage - but yeah - some end like that haha) but I will be honest and show my other face. It’s the one I have always buried in the pillow stifling my crying so nobody can hear me and especially not the pathetic snorting afterwards, because, why does crying suddenly make me so stuffed up?
Sound fun? Sounds fucking dreadful if you ask me, but it’s time to be real! Just maybe hearing more about what it took me - what my self talk has been - to conquer my demons will be more inspirational than you just seeing me standing on top of them after a long and difficult fight. I know everyone loves the fight scene, so I am not sure why I am skeptical... Here we go - fight scenes…. Just remember, the number one rule about fight club is we don’t talk about fight club. Happy reading.
“The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
What would you like to see in this blog?
If you follow and/or know me and have always wanted to hear the story behind something you have seen me do, please let me know and I will add it to my long list of blog topics.
For now, click the image below for the interesting facts about the "Katydid" which has been my nickname since I was a little girl. As an adult, this began to resonate with me when I learned that Katydids "display remarkable adaptations for defense, a consequence in part of their generally poor flying ability, which leaves them highly vulnerable to predation. Cryptically coloured species, which blend in with the environment, rely primarily on the mimicry of vegetation."
Designed in BrandcastTry it for free