CONTENTS
CONTENTS
Chapter 2 - Part one
Dealing with losses that result in... gains!
This is going to come as a shock to some of you reading and for that, I apologize… Almost two years ago, December of 2017, I had a miscarriage – not a shock to some as it happens very frequently, but a shock to many reading this, as I never really told too many people as a way to avoid it and cope with why it happened. My self talk during this whole process was pretty critical, so, I apologize this is SO long, but I hope it will add some value to those with a similar plight.
Part One - the back story
Ten months prior, to this unfortunate occurrence, my father had passed away from complications of diabetes and diabetes-related diseases. At the time of the pregnancy, I was NOT at my peak health having begun a stress-eating and weight gaining process as I handled my father’s estate, or lack thereof. I seemed to have unconsciously taken over eating his share of pizza, cookies and ice cream – food I had left behind in 2010 as a focus to prevent following in his footsteps with this debilitating disease. I am my father’s daughter – overweight since I was a child – having always been super active, not a binge eater, and just quite frankly - to the shock of those around me who see how I eat and exercise (generally healthily and daily) – seemed to be destined to be fat.
In 2010 as mentioned, I had a very scary epiphany with my husband at the time as we looked at pictures the year prior in Italy on our first Euro trip together…. As I looked at photos - me with a pizza in front of me in Rome, me with a bottle of wine in front of me in Venice, etc. I said to Josh, “Wow – I look so thin in these photos…” (mind you, I was a size 12 and weighed 158 which was probably still considered obese.) I ran up to weigh myself and looked at the one or two pairs of stretchy pants that were fitting me – size 18. Holy fucking shit… from September 2009 to September 2010, I had gained 40 pounds! Four – zero – 40! I instantly burst into tears, completely ruining this sweet anniversary moment where I had lovingly and creatively replicated the hand tossed pizza and salad from Naples. Forty fucking pounds??? And that was NOT at the start of a healthy body weight either – 158 was bad enough. As a 5’2” – relatively small woman, in September of 2010, I weighed 198 pounds!
Italy 2009 = 158 Pounds Triathlon 2010 = 198 Pounds
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Catalyst for the 2010 transformation...
I lay in bed wide awake that night replaying in my mind everything that had happened that past year. The new job assignment, the comfortable relationship, the beer drinking softball teams, the super stressful project with early mornings, late nights, donuts in the conference rooms, chicken tenders and pizza for lunches, take out for the late dinners… And that’s not all. Actually, that’s not the scary part. When I did cook at home, I was “so healthy.” I bought low fat sour cream, ate “light” yogurt and “whole grain/low fat” breads. I ate nuts and dried fruits as snacks and always made veggie trays with the low fat dip for parties- and of course – only used that calorie free butter spray and that amazing low fat coffee, non-dairy creamer. I was thinking, “Of course, this scale result is a mistake – sure I am too busy to exercise and I am occasionally eating like shit, but I don’t sit in my closet eating tubs of ice cream. I don’t snack all day. I hardly eat any white bread or pasta! This pizza night was a treat.” It was that night staring at the ceiling- while my very fit and thin husband who ate even worse than I did rested easily- that I realized I was doing something horribly wrong, and I was killing myself slowly.
The next morning, I contacted a friend of mine who had recently lost some weight and asked her a few questions about her journey, which was focused on moving to 100% whole food and completely cutting sugar in anything and everything which consequently made it very easy for her to cut calories as she was not getting sugar calories from completely “unnecessary places.” Unnecessary places? What did that mean? OK – it was time for food documentaries on Netflix – a binge that was OK… Movies like “Food, Inc,” ''The Beautiful Truth,” ''Fed Up,” and “Food Matters” – all taught me the most important theme: nearly everything processed and sold in a package, labelled low fat, or marketed as “healthy” by some fad diet (like WW, SouthBeach, etc) has sugar added to it. Canned Kidney beans – sugar. All Natural Jif Peanut Butter – sugar. My favourite savoury spice mix I put on all of my meat – sugar. Alleged fresh OJ not from concentrate – extra sugar. The low fat non-dairy creamer – sugar AND hydrogenated oil. The low fat sour cream – well shit, that’s barely even actually sour cream at all. For fuck’s sake. I am literally eating sugar all damn day, even when I didn’t know I was. So, I gutted the pantry, threw away everything except fresh meat, raw vegetables, fresh fruits, full fat cheese and full fat pure cream for my coffee. My husband begged for the Jif, so I left it, but there was nothing to put it on that I could eat, so there it was left for him to eat on the dreaded sprouted grain bread to which I made him switch.
From October 2010 to May of 2011, I went on a massive caloric deficit and ate nothing but measured out lean meat, eggs, green vegetables, and a few berries or apples and I drank only black coffee with one a day that could have stevia and a single TBSP of cream, tons of unsweetened hot or iced tea and water by the gallon. Occasionally, I would add in some raw almonds, hard zero-carb cheeses, and the very infrequent cheat of 90% dark chocolate, and no carb almond meal “muffin”. The weight fell off. I was losing around 0.5 pound per day with relatively normal energy levels on a low activity schedule. The way this plan worked was to focus on weight loss for up to 40 days (as a short term milestone) through healthy nutrient rich foods and a caloric deficit which was easy as I was getting no sugar. I would then learn for six weeks how to maintain - at plus or minus 2 pounds - the new weight even though I was not at my goal. Then, I removed the “cheats” that to most people were normal daily items, and get back to loss.
After three cycles, I lost 60 pounds and then a few months later did one more “cycle” to support my Dad and lost 10 more. People judged, people asked questions, people stared, people poked and poked at the fact I wasn’t eating enough, that I needed more vegetables, that I was getting too skinny, that I was “starving myself.” As I watched them eat the exact same portion sizes of macaroni and cheese or a sandwich made mostly of bread while guzzling coca-cola or beer and wine, I weighed my whole cucumber, 6 berries and 6 ounces of chicken, and a glass of water and said, “We are eating the same volume of food. Your lunch just has 800-1000 calories with almost no nutritional value while my lunch is 200 calories and is packed with mostly protein.” Nearly everyone tried to get me to drink alcohol or cheat or said I wasn’t living and I “look fine.” It’s just this one birthday or just this one wedding, or just this one party…. No, it was not only those things, it was my life… I realized during this time in my life how much what and how we eat is a social disease…eating as part of an entertaining and collaboratively destructive lifestyle, not eating to thrive.
The most incredible transition was when I changed jobs and came in to a new company after losing 70 pounds, getting down to a size 2-4. Men and women alike watched what I ate - like a giant plate of shrimp or a beef patty on lettuce - at events, accusing me of having an eating disorder and body dysmorphic disease. They pushed desserts at me and chided me for asking for a grilled chicken salad instead of eating the dreaded boxed lunch full of nothing but sugar. People on airplanes stared at my giant ziploc back of grilled chicken chunks and cucumber few like I was a weirdo. I was the weirdo, not them – the people who were eating dinner rolls labelled to expire in a year from now or chugging cola and beer with bag after bag of pretzels on a one hour flight like they won’t fucking survive until we land. The colleague pressure lasted a while until I finally cracked and created a very compelling before and after photo to show what 198 compared to 128 looks like. Suddenly, I wasn’t a freak who ate weird, I was a dedicated, triumphant person focused on health. “Just exactly how did you do that…?” became the question instead of what I heard as my interpretation of their criticism, “why aren’t you eating absolute shit like I am?” To make a very long story a bit shorter, this massive life transformation had a huge impact on my marriage.
BACK IN 2010 - HOW DID I LEARN ABOUT FOOD?
I think the most impactful documentary at the time Food Matters, along with the others I have mentioned above. The focal point for me was educating myself on what I was eating with attention to ingredients and omitting sugar and CONSTANTLY talking to myself about how UNHEALTHY how I was eating was. FOCUS = HEALTH
“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.”
—Hippocrates
Post Divorce Maintenance
My husband and I parted ways completely amicably and to this day, I am deeply appreciative of him for always loving me from fat to thin and supporting my health and wellness transformation despite its impacts on us. He and his new wife – who I adore – have the most beautiful family and have hopefully since given up the Jif, but that’s not my story to tell. So, I flash forward to post divorce and another job change leading to a relocation to Boston. Back on the dating scene, I struggled to stay at 128 but I had luckily found a fabulous workout regimen and a trainer, Chris, who enabled me to maintain the 135 range – solid size 4 – that looked better than the “diet only” 128.
I could add a few more whole foods like additional meats, nuts and therefore calories in to my diet and stay there. I probably gained and lost a few pounds here and there with visitors who wanted to see Sam Adams’ brewery or the famous Mike’s Pastry shop, and on dates, I would let myself slip just a bit because it did feel awkward to eat so strict with strangers. I then relocated to San Francisco where I immediately began running half marathons and hired a new trainer – more of a lifestyle coach - to keep me honest with my food and workouts. I gained a few pounds and adjusted as needed to stay as close to the 135-140 level which suited me OK with me muscle. Though I wanted to drop back down to the 130s, we never made massive transformational efforts, but Sam was my go to guy for deep understanding, empathy, changing things up regularly to ensure I maintained as close to my goal metrics as possible. Then, he moved to Denver and I let a few trips to the gym slip away.
Then, my father died. This is where the tougher times came in with some seriously shitty self talk, no accountability partner, nobody to meet at the gym to make sure I went, nobody to call (which was always my Dad) to complain to about how upset I am that eating pizza one night this week after running a damn half marathon caused me to gain 5 pounds when I also ran 4 days this week leading up to it! I continued to engage in very frequent air travel for my work, hosting workshops with the pizza and cookies as my food options, and quite frankly was pretty depressed and stressed out about how I saw 10 pounds pack on, my “fat day jeans” now my daily jeans. I simply talked myself into letting myself eat shit because I felt like shit. BAD BAD BAD.
Once I saw what I was doing and really heard myself, I thought, what’s a quick way to shock my body and came to the conclusion, maybe I need to just try full vegan (which was all the rage) for a little while – in the best way possible while traveling – mostly vegetables, fruits and nuts. I gained ten more pounds. What… the… fuck? But, it’s so low calorie… everyone is doing it… it’s so healthy… Why isn’t this working? I know about sugar and too many carbs – so I am not regressing from the pre-2010 days. So, I went back to my normal diet adding some meat back in but in trying to capture a caloric deficit, I was still eating mostly vegetables and fruit and some “cleanse shakes”. The scale would not budge.
A few months of contemplating why, I started researching a few new training companies who focus on nutrition, fitness, sleep, and stress as part of the coaching/ consulting. I got refocused – hired a new trainer at a “holistic facility” and holy shit, was that a mistake. No need to go into details, but when your trainer’s car has Cheetos on the floor and he shows up still drunk from the night before, it’s probably best to fire him and get a refund. The nutritional consultant met with my one hundred pound, Asian ectomorph friend along with me as if how and what she can eat would be the same as me and was focused on only calories. Bad sign. So, I promptly fired them and went back on my own, focused on the roots of my research and back to counting calories of very lean meats, veggies, and a few fruits and complex carbs as needed.
That’s when I started noticing some weird emotions, terrible headaches, and changes in my skin. OK, time for focus on a full body detox – get the calories down and shock my metabolism. I bought the vegetarian shakes, only ate lean meats and veggies and some fruit. I got fatter… And hey, wait a minute. Why haven’t I started my menstrual cycle? Uh –oh. (Click the right arrow for Part Two).
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